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Sunday, May 27, 2018

Bitter Heart of Mine - 4

Thousands denial, the too many times of distractions are made, numerous motivation lines, even those hatred suggestions, believe me I have tried them all.

Still, the feeling doesn't fade away.

the very Ignorance of you which I consume it everyday. Thanks for that, a little bit helpful tho.

God, if we are meant to be apart. At least please help me to take care this feelings, to keep this heart to the right person.

I am so fucking tired and depressed for not getting over with this feeling, yet.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Bitter Heart of Mine - 3

My dear,

I knew the sun has set that it would not rise up again. thought I could walk out and forget
but I just gained more pain. I mumbled your name in every breath and stared you in my omen. I closed my eyes and shut my ears so I would not see you no more. But you still came to see me in every night dream.

My dear, you strangled me so hard yes you are. All friends and family pulling me out from you but I am glued at your door yes I am. Can't you hear me I am knocking I am shouting your name I am here for you yes I am.

My dear, Logical, they labeled me yes they did. Slapping them all so they would scramble and be strong to fight against life and not choosing the wrong path. Reliable, they named me when I could lift them up from the edge until reaching their stars. Oh don't mind me I could be their superhero yes I was.

My dear, didn't you know I was drowning far away in a very deep lonesome space? I was floating nowhere between solitudes where I could shape my freedom and not bounded in love.

My dear, I don't want to be found just please let me go back to where I was.

My dear, did you realize that you pulled me out and left me at your door? can't you just give me your key so I won't feel this anxious for being stuck here finding your key?

My dear, don't you realize that you are pretty much alike a bored little boy seeking for a friend at the park to playing around, laughing at the adults because they look silly, chasing and hugging to each other, buying ice cream, telling each other's dream, and in the end leave her when the sun is set? well I was that friend, of course, and you were the boy.

My dear boy, where is the logical, the reliable, the independent and other great labels of mine? baby I lose them all when it comes to you. baby you really got me then you leave me hang in your gravity. all alone.

My dear.... you choke me with a chain. I shall escape and never come back but the ache is more powerful that it is too painful to leave. The denial I always have to keep me sane. The piece of reality I pick one by one to reach my feet on the ground. So I will not float anymore at your zone. But the more I try to run the more this chain hurts me.

Until I think, maybe I should stay down in this place. until you unlock this door.
Until I think, maybe I just have to let myself lose in your maze. then I just have to keep walking until I find the exit path and hoping you will wait there for me.

Oh maybe I will just have to take it all slow. No more escape, or denial.

What do you think, my dear?

Jan 22th 2018

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Bitter Heart of Mine - 2

that sweet goddamn smile!

that I wanted to hug you so much my dear
but it does not feel right
then you pull me in my dear
and you hold me tight

The scent of yours, that would be my absolute favorite
I will cherish everyday
Those firm hands, are the best caress to my hair
I will cherish everyday

you push me out
saying you did not want me
the fear of yours, I am shown
the doubts you have for me
I could read from the face of yours

but then
you are caught
for kissing me

I know that this would be the end path for me
reaching you
or the beginning for me
reaching you

That I still have no idea
How can I fall for you very deep
like this?

the very sweet kiss you gave me
that I will not forget
for the rest of my life

thought you were my serendipity
but you gave me ache
that I will not forget
for the rest of my life


Jan 7th 2018

Bitter Heart of Mine

striving to attach on mind, the reverie of you is. shew you, the every night dream does too. the scent, and oh, that forever sweet, sweet, semi-circular-sun set for me. Then jumping to the dawn to find weep and unseen ache.
what a bitter unforeseen.

Khao Yai,

Jan 12th 2018

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Still Wide Awake

well, i'm still here, in front of the laptop screen, uploading this accounting ass-essment to an email.... the deadline is monday and today is tuesday. aaaand this fckn internet is doing so slow! man, i need to sleep and i haven't studied yet for accounting quiz this noon!
i never imagine that accounting would be a big obstacle for me!
luckily, i don't have any class this morning. hhh..... but my eyes feel sooo heavy! huaaaaaaaaahhhhwish me luck!

Monday, September 10, 2012

My 18th Birthday!

hellow! last monday, on September 3rd is my birthday and also my first day go to college!
well it's a bit sad because this is my first time i celebrate my birthday without my family, i'm in dormitory right now. but hey, my mom is so sweet! in the morning, she woke me up by calling me and said "Happy Birthday" to me. that's more than enough. actually my little brother, Refi was the first person that said happy birthday to me. hahah he remembered my birthday, that's more than enough too. and then my friends in my dorm said happy birthday too! especially Tania. she shouted "Happy Birthday!" and all of my friends in dorm went out from their room and sang happy birthday song for me. that's so sweettt <3 p="p">
after that i went to campus and met new friends. then we exchange our pin bbm. and yeah they realize that i'm on birthday that time when saw my bbm. and voila, they said happy birthday for me. haha they're new guys but they still care about my birthday. thank you :D

in the evening, Mitha, my room mate, just arrived at dorm. and she's a bit weird. because she looked so busy and left me alone in room without give me any explanation. in the end, i just waited her in my room.
but suddenly she came and forced me to accompany her to alfamart. i was confused that time. she acted so weird. after that, the security looked after me, she said, "there are some people want to meet you". "hmm... who?" i questioned. "just come out and see" she replied. well then, i followed her and suddenly i saw ecky bima rendy and tania sang happy birthday song while holding two birthday cakes <3 p="p">ah that's too much <3 p="p">then i made a wish and blew the candle. yeey happy birthday zahra!
the security didn't allow us to celebrate it in my dorm, because guys aren't allowed to enter the women's dorm. so we went out to citywalk and celebrated my birthday there. we had chit chat, had dinner, and many more there. suddenly bege came! he came from jakarta and went to cikarang by bus, alone. hahah he was really tough!
when time was almost midnight, the boys went home. so me, mitha and tania went back to dorm with two big cakes and didn't know how to eat them, lol. but yeah we had an idea, so when we arrived at dorm, we woke up all the occupants in my dorm and forced them to eat my cakes hahahah. but they were happy kok. we celebrated my birthday again in my dorm when the time showed almost 12 a.m. lol.
here are some art for me..
from ba ninda

from ecky

this is my birthday cake from rendy,bima,bege,tania
 here are some photos when we ate cake together in my dorm

me and tania

from left to right : alvi, mitha, ocha, me, ola, diah

me and ocha

me and levi

sadly, i didn't have photos when i was with tania mitha bege rendy bima ecky
oh ya, another sad new is i didn't take a picture my cakes from mitha desy and oca :(

in conclusion, although i couldn't celebrate my birthday with family, but i could celebrate it with my new friends and my high school friends. and thanks to God, i'm officially 18 years old now. it's a happiness that i'm still given a chance to breathe until today :D

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I just hate this feeling

well it's been a long time i don't write any single post. well yeah... i'm really really lazy busy with college entrance exams and all about college deh. so that i had no time to write a post. sorry for that.
oh ya! i'm officially a student college right now! wohooo! i'm studying at President University. my major is management and planning to take concentration in International Business. well, wish me luck yuah!

um.. actually, i don't know what i must write here, i just have a uncomfortable feeling. here, my head want to speak!